The Rules of the Road

Traffic is pretty chaotic here in Vietnam. At first glance it seems like there are no rules, but on closer inspection, I have discovered that there are ten etched-in-stone rules that every Vietnamese driver must follow.

1.  Rules? What rules? Just get there any way you can, bro!

2.  You must drive with one hand planted firmly on the horn at all times. You must blast the horn at least three times every fifteen seconds; otherwise people will think you're asleep at the wheel.   Bonus points if you do this while using your other hand to talk on your cell phone.   Double bonus for texting. 

3.  Pedestrians do not - I repeat, DO NOT have the right of way, not on the streets, not on the sidewalks, not in the crosswalks. You must hurtle towards them as fast as you can, never slowing down. Bonus points if you can manage to take one of them out. 

4.  When riding on a motorbike, safety is secondary to scoring style points. Bonus points are awarded for riding side-saddle and Indian-style. 

5.   If you own a motorbike and you have kids, you must see how many of them you can careen down the street with on the back of your bike. Style points are awarded for doing this without putting helmets on any of them. Bonus points are awarded for sitting your child on the motorbike in front of you and letting them help you steer.  You can score the coveted triple bonus if you have a toddler and let them ride standing on the seat between you and your wife as you weave in and out of traffic. 

6.   At an uncontrolled four-way intersection, EVERYONE has the right of way. Do not stop. Lay on the horn, plow into the fray and hope for the best.  Bonus points are awarded for every American tourist you can make gasp in alarm. Double bonus if you make one of them scream. 

7.  When riding a motorbike, ALWAYS pass a vehicle turning right on their right; then cut them off, nearly clipping their front bumper. Bonus points awarded for actually taking their bumper with you. 

8.  Traffic's not moving and you're on a motorbike? No problem. Just drive down the wrong side of the street against oncoming traffic.  Bonus points are awarded for driving down the sidewalk and weaving in and out of pedestrians. (See rule 1)

9.  Never, ever yield to an emergency vehicle. Ambulance with its siren going and lights flashing? Swarm around that sucker like ants on a used lollipop until it's so surrounded by cars and motorbikes that it can't possibly move. Who cares if someone might be dying? Thin the herd. 

10.  If someone is driving the wrong way down your side of the street, whatever you do, don't slow down, stop or yield the right-of-way. It will only confuse them. Much better to keep going on your same course at your same speed to see who flinches first. Bonus points are awarded if it's the other guy who swerves out of the way at the last possible second. 

So there you have it, ten iron-clad rules for all drivers in Vietnam. Just think. If you ever visit here, you're now equipped to rent that motorbike and join the insanity. 

You're welcome.